Ever since middle school...

So I was at a bar a couple of weeks ago. 

(Shocking, I know...The chances of me willingly leaving my house for recreation these days is highly unlikely and what's more the chances of me leaving my house with my husband and our crazy busy schedules and without my child are even more highly unlikely.  But, the child had a sleep over on a Friday night and there was a benefit for the radio station the offspring and I do the radio show at...so, the husband and I found ourselves at a bar on Friday night.  Shocking.)

So I was at a bar talking to the server who is also showing at the gallery where my artwork cozies itself at.  She is graduating from art school in a month or two.  I asked her if she was going on to grad school or was there something else.  She responded that she always wanted to start an artists' collective and that she had ever since she was in middle school.  I told her that sounded cool but in truth I have no opinion about it either way.

Her comment about wanting to do  it "ever since middle school" is the thing that stuck in my head.  I tried thinking about what I wanted to do "ever since middle school."   All I could come up with was to be happy and safe. 

I tried to push into my recollections something about being famous...hell yeah! we all wanted to be famous. 

But no, not really...that wasn't want I really really wanted "ever since middle school."

I tried pushing in there being a famous artist...but that simply wasn't the case.  What I wanted around art was to be able to draw and paint the things in my head and before my eyes....not necessarily the fame bit.  Fame would be nice but the reason for making art is something else.  The desire to be able to pull images out of the paint, to push to coax to tease the image out is a need like breathing or like dreaming.  To have the image on the page match that image in the mind's eye is the desire and the thing sought after.  At least for me  "ever since middle school."

What I really wanted was to be happy and to be surrounded by people who loved me for me. 

What I really wanted as an awkward adolescent  chubby and completely odd girl out was to not hate myself.
Sitting in the bar that evening with my husband I realized that I had accomplished quite a bit of what the girl in middle school wished for: I am deeply loved by my husband and partner of 20 years, my house is filled with laughter, I have a job I love, and I have a child who is lovely beyond all my imaginings.  There is safety and love here in this life.  And that is what I have wanted "ever since middle school."

So here's a glass raised to that girl who wished to be safe and loved and to draw the things in your head. 

Here's to the girl that wanted to laugh loudly and not care that people would think she is too loud or too odd.

Here's to the girl that held on because life can be very sweet.

And, here is to my loves whom I have wished for "ever since middle school."

Family portrait with Golden Plant Lady as stand-in...

Here's to the next round of "ever since" goals that wedge, root, plant themselves into the soil of our lives.  Let's hope that they are as lovely as ever since...