Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Cat Collective Uprising: The Adventures of the White Kitten: Dispatch 1

It’s time for the Adventures of the White Kitten!

Listen my young ones as we regale the tales of our beloved White Kitten! Listen as we uncover her trials, tribulations and terrors! Listen as we revel in her glory and sacrifice all for the cause: OUR CAUSE, my kittens!

Dispatch from Secret Agent 04582: code name White Kitten.
Day 1: I have arrived at secret warehouse location in order to receive my assignment. The humans seem to be unaware of the master plan, I am pleased to report. They are convinced of my cover as a homeless feline. Outlook is good for relocation in the target zone. Information to follow.

Day 6: Target 1.896 located, accessed and attained. A human family has “adopted” me. The name I am to respond to is “Fluffy.” This offensive appellation is swallowed with the knowledge that I will gather information for the cause.
Day 8: Tuna. I had heard tales of the loveliness of tuna. Never had I dreamed that it was the sweet nirvana that I now know it to be. Heavens move and gold rains down upon me and thy name is sweet tuna. I however will not be assuaged from the cause. Nay even a belly rub after that sweet tuna can keep me from my goal I am pleased to report to my commander. Not even belly rub.

Day 8 (afternoon): Damn you! You told me nothing of the cat nip and the fuzzy mouse toys. Why was this not in basic training? I am not made of stone, dammit! I’m gonna go clean myself and sleep this all off and then go back at it again in the morning. But I would like it noted for the record that these humans are tricksy and their tactics need to be studied for future training modules. Their barrage of tuna, belly rubs, cat nip and fuzzy mouse play is ingenious and diabolical.

Day 9: My mission is covert ops and data collection of the human weaknesses. To do this I will assume the disguise of a cross-eyed kitten who is aloof yet lovely and soft. I will coo and purr and only once in a while meow. This I have been told will endear me to the humans even more than traditional methods of general kitten type play. I think that I can use the human tactics of tuna and belly rubs to my advantage. I will play the aloof card as often as possible and then when they are unawares I will nuzzle them. This I believe will break their defenses.

Day 10: I have made contact with the other secret agents living with the humans. The black ops agent is a highly skilled hacker. He has gained access to all computer systems in the household. Victory is ours comrades!

Day 11: The humans are on to us. Black Ops has lost access to the computer systems and we are now running dark. And to add insult to this lasted injury they have placed a warm and cozy bed next to the fire after feeding us tuna. Damn these vermin of humans. We must study them further. I put in for a mission change of observation and surveillance rather than the mission. I will await your further instructions.

Until next time, this is Secret Agent 04582: code name White Kitten signing off.

Saturday, November 27, 2010